This whole not-having-an-audience thing? I could totally get used to it. My writing became more and more fucked up as I had to write for people. But that's not the point of this posting.
I'd like to go on record -- so that this is documented and I can look back on this and understand just how I felt --and say that I'm angry. To post-surgical Queen, I have no idea of how you feel, months later. But right now -- one month away from surgery -- please know that I'm downright shitty. I don't understand how I got here, at this age, and I don't know how it's going to get better.
But I sit today without any sort of job security (which is a lifestyle that I chose), in a house that I don't love (which is a home that I purchased), with a health issue-- the depth of which I don't know (something that I chose to ignore), with a body that I've never really been enamored with - or even liked a little bit (which I guess I could have changed if I really tried) in a life that's never been 'normal' and doesn't stand a chance for normalcy (not that a normal life would have ever been good for me, but sometimes I think it would have been SO much easier), with hair that's a fucked up hot mess that never looks good (ever), and feeling amazingly unsexy and unsexual (which I NEVER thought would happen).
What I'm saying is that where I am is a direct reflection of choices that I made.
So, what I wish for my post-surgical self is that you wait for the pain to subside and deal with these issues systematically, from start to finish, when you have energy. Make better choices.
You have a lot of work to do.
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